Monday, August 9, 2010
~Nine years on this path~
~Happy 9th Birthday, sweet, sweet Nathan Montgomery Bogush~
Born 8/9/2001, Died 8/10/2001
it would be so lovely to snuggle you this morning and tell you how happy
I am that you are here.
It would be so lovely to tell you the story of your birth.
It would be so lovely to hear you ask all day long "what time is my party?"
It would be so lovely to hear you giggle with your sisters because it is so much fun to wear a pointy paper party hat and put one on the dog.
It would be so lovely to watch your daddy make you a stack of birthday pancakes topped with whipped cream and a candle that will probably begin
to melt before you blow it out.
It would be so lovely to know what kind of cake you would have wanted, what your favorite flavor of ice cream is, and where your mark would go on the moulding outside the playroom bathroom door --
the place your sisters chart their growth.
it will be so lovely spending this day, your birthday, on the beach with your amazing daddy, your beautiful - smart, funny, curious, life-living - sisters, and the waves crashing, and crashing, and crashing, and crashing, and crashing.
The rhythm of that water, the breeze blowing on my face, the clouds overhead, the sun on my body, the sand scratching my skin, the sounds of surf and fun and family will help me choke back the tears and resist the pull of memories and stay in the moment. Because in this moment there is love and happiness and fullness
alongside the hole and the ache and the want.
I am here, arms outstretched, barely breathing, tears streaming down my face.
I am full and empty, confused and knowing, strong and weak, hopeful and fearful. Happy and sad are forever bound together in each step I take.
And, I am going to the beach.
"So, this is my life.
And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad
and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
I love this quote, but today...I'm not trying to figure it out. I don't want to go there. I don't want to analyze. I am just so very grateful that it is this way. Because just the sad, well, that would just pull me under and I don't want to go back there. So, I am thankful there is a big honking side of happy with my sad.
Dear boy, mommy loves you and misses you.
You would love it here with us. You would.
Happy Birthday, baby.