Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It is huge and it is heavy...

Creative Every Day/Flickr Project 365 photo  for 8/10/2010:
Missing my sweet boy, Nathan Montgomery Bogush

"Because the most amazing and biggest miracle of all of this is that somehow, 
the sadness that we carry, the weight of that stone on my back, 
doesn't subtract from the happiness that I have now. 
It is huge, and it's heavy, and it is a burden to carry. 
But I still have this huge love, and this huge happiness, and that's real." 
~Charlotte's Mom, Carol McMurrich on her blog The Happy Sad Mama

Today it feels heavy.  
 Huge and unwieldy.    
Today I'm tired.  I heart hurt.  
I am grateful for the rain falling and for the sun having the sense not to shine.
I'd like to spend the day in silence.  
With crying.  
I feel the need for crying.  I welcome the healing release of tears.
Mostly, I look forward to the reprieve that comes after these anniversaries, from watching the clock, from replaying the oh, so, very sad story moment by moment.  A reprieve from the rawness that is so easily tuned to hurt and loss - the work necessary to resist the pull of the trauma, the hole that gapes and calls to me, the exquisite and seductive pain I can touch, the need to tell my story to someone - anyone.
And then, over the next days these rocks 
~ these heavy and huge boulders of memory, love, loss, and pain ~ 
become easier to carry for a bit...

...tucked in the giggles of my children, the gorgeousness of my husband, the hugs of friends and family, and the pockets of my full, full heart.